


Mind over Matter

by reids_jello



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Abuse, Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Characters are same age, Depressed Stuart “2D” Pot, F/M, High School AU, One-Sided Attraction, Sad, Self-Harm, Stuart "2D" Pot is a Mess, Stuart "2D" Pot-centric, Suicide, Unrequited Love, its 4am and I’m sad sorry, pinning, pre gorillaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:07:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24318562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reids_jello/pseuds/reids_jello
Summary: I was always watching, as creepy as that sounds. I was an observer after all. I see the things you'd never even bother to look for, the things that you'd cast aside. No one notices an observer because they are always looking elsewhere. And it didn’t help that I had fallen in love with my best friend, Noodle and she couldn’t know because then I’d ruin the one good thing in my life, So for now I’ll keep it bottled up. I just wanna be found, but maybe disappearing was the only plausible answer.
Relationships: Noodle/Stuart "2D" Pot
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	1. You know you’re on my mind

Sitting in by the window, I watched the way the wind blew through the trees. The dead leaves would flutter to the ground, landing softly upon the grassy surface. My eyes traveled to the birds that were flying in to feed their hungry children. My lips turned up into a smile as I watched the naked chicks open their mouths fruitfully accepting the mother's food and the way the leaves blew around them, it was refreshing. 

THWACK

There was a book dropped onto the top of my desk and I was brought back to reality. I looked to the teacher only to be greeted with a cold glare, disappointment written all over her tired features. The class snickered to themselves, their eyes boring holes into me.

"I'm sorry," I apologized in a small voice.

"Pay attention, Stuart," Her face softened a little before turning back to walk around the classroom.

It's sad. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pay attention. I find myself looking anywhere but the teacher and her lesson. Then, I catch myself not paying attention, I cannot force myself to actually listen, my mind going a thousand different places. 

Then, I spend the rest of class either scratching lines or small doodles into my notebook (which is full of more doodles and scribbled song lyrics than notes. It's not my fault that the lessons are so boring. They have no purpose in my future or my lack thereof. 

No amount of math or science will help my future. Also, no amount of studying will help me with math or science. I couldn't be damned to learn something that doesn't interest me in the slightest. After all, the only thing I looked forward to all day was music classes, and messing with my teacher's piano. I was the only student she let play it and I did pride myself on that. These are only a few things that help boost my self-esteem--not!

The bell rings signaling the end of the hour and the beginning of lunch. I gather up my things and place them into my backpack making sure not to crumple up the loose pieces of paper in there. After purposely taking forever to put my things into my bag and making sure that I was the last person out of the room, I walked to my locker. I can see, Noodle leaning next to it. Her petite frame casually hunched over looking at her phone. Her beautiful violet-brown hair falling into her green eyes, she normally wore her bags in her face, but every now and then I could sneak a glance of her emerald eyes. And boy, the amount of times I’ve used the cheesy _was your dad, a jewel thief to get you those eyes,_ was one too many. She even wore a small smile etched into her skin.

I walk over and she looks up at me. "Hope I didn't make you wait too long," I apologize and open my locker so that I can put my heavy textbooks away. She was my best friend, and we have known eachother since elementary. 

"You're fine. Anyways look at this," She shoved her phone into my line of vision waiting for me to look at whatever was on his phone. It was a video of baby leopards being held. It was cute. Almost as cute as she was.

"Aww! That's so cute," I smiled up at Noodle.

"I'll DM it to you now so you can forever enjoy this cuteness," She tapped a few more times before pocketing her phone. "Ready to go?" She asked.

"Yea," I closed my locker and followed one pace behind Noodle as we walked to the cafeteria.

  
  


*****

_"What was the point of loneliness among people? At least if you were by yourself, you had a reason to be lonely." I wrote over and over into my notebook as a reminder that I was destined to be alone, it was a wonder I even had, Noodle in my life, and her crowd who could barely stand me._

_*****_

  
  


I'd watch the way Noodle moved. The way she’d brush her bags out of her face and I could see how her eyes scrunched up when we were genuinely laughing. The way she’d clamp a hand over her eyes or cheeks when she was embarrassed or when we were at our houses away from each other, she would send me funny videos and pictures on Instagram or whatever she fancied. It may seem creepy to others at how much I actually watched her. Maybe 'watched' isn't the correct word? Would 'admire' work better for my situation? Using 'watched' makes me a stalker and I am everything but that. I just find it better to observe than to talk as words are meaningless and temporary in the end, I just felt someone had to admire her beauty... _what will never be I guess eh?_

"Toochi?" Noodle waved her hand in front of my face getting my attention. "You there?" She laughed lightly. She has a pretty laugh.

"Huh?" I must've been too lost in my own world to hear what she was saying.

"I asked what you're doing after graduation day," She took a bite of his instant noodles. Ah, graduation day. The day when we're finally free from school and actually have to be adults. When you're forced into the world right off the bat with little to no help from your parents. . .or are those just my parents? As soon as I'm out of school, I'm on my own. Nothing but a "bye" from the two human beings who raised me. Is 'raise' the correct word? They did quite the opposite, with my mom as a Nurse who worked nearly day and night and alcoholic engineers father. they're never home and when they are, they just bicker and yell at each other or me. It's been me who gets the yelling most days.

It’s been tiring lately, Schools been my only escape but I still feel hopeless when I’m mucking about in the hallways. The only time I feel a slice of content is when I’m with Noodle, she makes things feel okay even for just a second. _Wait,_ is that too much pressure to put on a high school girl, probably. I really can’t ever get any relief.

"Not sure," I looked down at my barely touched and sloppily made sandwich that Noodle got for me. But it’s the thought that counts. 

"You're not going to University?" She asked, mouth full of noodles. _Hehe noodle eating noodles, cute._

"No. I'm not an academic person," The truth was that I didn't have a plan. The day of graduation is going to be the last day of my life. It has always been like this. I've had this planned for years, so unless a miracle happens that changes my life drastically ( and by drastically I mean completely, entirely, if there’s anyway For me to no longer be Stuart Tusspot, that would have to happen) and since that’s highly improbable or just impossible, that plan is set in stone. Plus statistically, you’ll probably not talk to anyone after you leave high school, counting Noodle. After all that whole friendship that lasted longer than 7 years was bullshit, we were just both two lonely weird kids in elementary school and that’s why it stuck. By once we hit high school and her body started filling out she got popular. I was just lucky she kept me around. I’m a nobody. "I'm not really good at anything," I mumble. I can feel the self-hatred swallowing me up again. It's kept dormant until something triggers it into play. Depression's voice tells me that everything will be alright, that all will be okay soon.

"You shouldn't think like that," Noodle frowns. "You're great at a lot of things!"

"Like what?" I didn't know if I actually didn't know what I was good at and needed reassurance or the fact that I'd get lowkey complimented by her that was making me feel so small at this moment.

"You're really good at drawing, you have a pretty voice when you sing, oh! And when you play piano” she exasperated and I felt my heart get light, she was the only thing that could keep me tied down, but all of the negatives outweigh the unattainable lion that was Noodle. 

"I can't sing," I interrupted her. 

"I beg to differ, I hear the way you mumble _The Human League_ when we are in class” she winks “You're very good with advice and you have a good memory with the little things that everyone else seems to forget, and you're great at being my best friend," she smiled warmly. Friend. That's all we'll ever be. 

"Thank you," I said genuinely. Warmth spreads through my body and for once, I feel a tad bit better about myself, but I knew it would only last as long as she was in view. 

"No problem," Noodle smiles and places her hand on top of my shoulder. As soon as it's there, it's gone. The warmth leaves once again and the normal cold, dull feeling is replaced.

For the rest of the lunch period, Noodle fills the silence with small talk. I just sit and listen, occasionally responding when she’d ask a question. I watched the way she smiled when she’d talk about the things he loved, the things she was passionate about. The way her eyes would crinkle at the corners when she’d smile brightly, how she’d use lots of hand movements to get his point across. I'd smile lightly at the way she’d laugh, the way I wish I could make her feel. Happy, like the way she made me. 

For so long, I've watched from a distance. I'd let things go by without giving them a second glance. I'd help Noodle with her boyfriend or family problems. Her boyfriend was an exchange student from Japan, just like she was in kindergarten… they were perfect for eachother in that aspect. 

Noodle is my savior. The reason I get up in the morning, the reason why I'm still breathing. Though. . .that's a lot to put on someone when they have no idea that that's what they mean to you. So, I'll stay quiet. Keep a lid on the feelings that so desperately want to be released from the jar I've kept them in in order to save this friendship that I hold so dear.

  
  


_my eyes see you,_

_i see you,_

_but you don't see me._

_Will you ever be able to let me down gently,_

  
  
  
  


The next day isn't any different. I wake up, get ready, and creep past my sleeping father who resides on the old, worn out couch in the living room. I skip breakfast for the third day in a row and instead tiptoe to the front door. My shoe-covered feet pad past him as I hold my breath. If he wakes up, I'm dead. Just as I make a meter away from the door, the floorboards underneath me creak and I cringe. My father's head snaps up and he looks around the room confused before his site lands on me. He looks furious. I visually pale and start to frantically look at anything else but him.

"Where do you think you're going?" He growls. "I’m fucking sleeping, Dullard”

"I'm going to school, Dad. It's Friday remember?" I try not to be snarky, but that's not how it comes out.

"Don't get smart with me boy," He raises his voice and I gulp. "Why are you wearing that?" He looks at me with such a judging gaze, one no father should look at their child with.

"What's wrong with this?" I ask. I was just wearing black skinny jeans with a tear at the knees, a plain white shirt and my hair pulled back into a beanie. What was wrong with what I'm wearing?

"You look so plain and fruity. No wonder no one likes you. People don't like plain people," He said. I could feel my self-esteem lower even farther than it already was. I said nothing.

"Don't ignore me when I'm talking to you!" He backhands me, my head whipping to the right. Tears welled in my eyes as my cheek burned and throbbed. He hadn't hit my face in quite a while. He didn't want people to see what a horrible father he was, so he hit me, kicked me, punched me, in places where they could be covered.

"I'm sorry," I said, blinking back tears.

"Leave. I don't want to see you anymore," He said before walking into the kitchen to most likely drink again. Thank god I wouldn’t allow myself to live long enough to turn into him. 

I turned on my heel and walked right out of the house after slipping on my black vans. When I got outside, I let the tears fall silently like they always did. No noise. The only thing I could hear was myself falling apart. Everyday was like this, the same gaping hole in my chest and it just got bigger everyday, eventually I would be nothing. 

The walk to school was short, maybe ten minutes at a steady pace. It was long enough for my tears to dry and my cheek to not throb as much. I knew that there would be a bright red hand print on the side of my face, but it wasn't a little white lie couldn't fix. After all, the only person who noticed was Noodle, and maybe the homeroom teacher, but all she ever asked was the usual 'where'd that come from?' and I'd lie and he wouldn't press any further which I'm thankful for. Small victories I guess 

As soon as I got to school, I went straight to the bathroom to do damage control. As I thought, there was a huge hand print as bright as day. I went to touch it and instantly regretted it. It was hot and tender. Maybe cool water would help? I grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser and ran the cool tap water over the paper towel letting it get soaked before pressing it to my cheek. It was painful at first, then felt better the longer I kept the towel pressed to my face as I walked out, and just with my luck there was Noodle walking past the bathrooms. 

"Oh hey Stu . Didn't see you there," Noodle smiled brightly. I could barely make out what she was saying over how loud my music was. Using my free hand, I paused my music and took my earbuds out of my ears.

"Hey," I returned the greeting.

"Did something happen to your face?" She tilted his head to see why I was holding my face.

"Ah this? It's nothing," I tried to brush it off. "I hit my head on the door handle at home," I laughed dryly trying to make myself seem believable. It didn't work.

"Can I see?" She pushed. Noodle never pushed, so why now?

"Uh sure," I removed my hand from my cheek and Noodle’s eyebrows furrowed. "See? Everything's fine," I lied again.

"Unless your door handle is in the shape of a hand, then I don't think you 'fell'," She was concerned and had every right to be, but I wish she weren't.

"Yeah. . .haha, I swallowed the dry lump in my throat. I could feel the confrontation coming and I so desperately didn't want to be. Why did she have to care _now._

"Stuart, is there something going on at home?" Noodle asked me, calling me by my full name,something she never did unless we were arguing which was rare. 

Her voice was full of worry. Do I lie again? I really don't want to, but I don't want her to worry more than she should. Tell her. So I did.

"Yeah," I said barely above a whisper, but thank gif the filler halls swallowed it up, this was way too personal for someone else to hear.

Noodle exhaled and then spoke, "Why haven't you told me?" She sounded hurt. You've hurt her , now she’ll leave.

"I didn't want you to worry," I looked down at my feet. I could feel the tears coming back, but this time for a different reason.

"I worry about you all the time, Stu . You're always so sad all the time and don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Please don't close yourself off from me. I care about you too much for you to just clam up on me," She took my hands into her and I flinched at the warmth. Her touch was always so warm.

"Please don't worry about me," I feel so vulnerable now. Like I'm an open book where Noodle can see all the things that I've spent so long trying to hide. Everything that would make her leave me.

"I see the way you sometimes limp around school or wince every time you move. I'm not blind, Stu,"

"I know,"

"I just didn't want to pester you with questions I knew you'd lie to me about, so I never pressed on, but I can't ignore you when you're in pain all the time," Noodle sounds so genuine. So, I believe her.

"I'm sorry," I say. She swings our hands back and forth twice and I can't help but look at them. The way her small stubby fingers fit so nicely into my larger, more slender ones.

"It's okay, Stu. Don't be sorry. It's not your fault," She says. Yes it is. It's always my fault.

The bells rings interrupting our moment and I sigh. Noodle takes her hands away and instead wraps her arms around me for a hug. My eyes widen and I feel myself hug her back. I hug her tightly and breathe her in. He always smells so nice. It's like heaven and oddly like strawberry milk-- and oh my god I'm pinning so hard it's sad.

Noodle Lets me go and then smiles one more time. "Talk to me, please. I'll see you at recess. Bye."

And with that he leaves. I stood in the middle of the hallway with now happy tears streaming down my face. The salty tears sting my red cheek and all I can feel is my heart clench at what I can't have. _She has a boyfriend you fucking idiot that meant nothing._ I tell myself while walking to my first class of the day, at least I had that hug with Noodle to ease my thoughts for the day. And yet again I found myself tuning my teacher out and scribbling into my notebook instead of taking actual notes, shocker! 

_time has proven that fooling yourself into believing the lie is the most effective way to deal with things you have no control over._

Time, life was a never ending game of waiting, but luckily or maybe sadly _depending how you look at it,_ only has 8 days left on the timer. Graduation, the day I’d finally be free, from school, from my dads abuse, from everything. Sweet nothingness. 

  
  



	2. Curtains closed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> graduation day *tw*

The rest of the day was filled with questionable stares, and half-assed concerned gazes from the teachers. I ignored them all because they weren't real. They never really cared. They'll only show interest to make you feel better about yourself, or at least to show that they were capable of doing their job, It was still nice to know that at least they somewhat cared. 

Today's bathroom scene was the only thing that filtered through my head. It was all I could think of, which wasn't good. Class after class I was yelled at for not paying attention. Nothing new, same old shit different day. However, was still dampening my mood as it would any other person. The class would snicker and then go back to silently working, but this class period was different. There was a knock on the door of my literature class. 

"Come in," the teacher said. In came Noodle, a stack of books in his hands. She Looked anxious from all the sudden eyes on him. 

"I was told to give you," She looked down at the books.

"Ah yes! You can put them over here," The teacher waved her hand and walked over to her desk and pointed to the open spot on the table. Noodles soft arms in her black crop top and I swallowed hard. I wasn't the only one who's eyes were scrolling over her full figure. The other boys had more of a chance than I'll ever had, so I stopped.

"Thank you, Noodle," She thanked her and Noodle bowed slightly in response. As she turned to leave, Noodle caught my gaze and she half smiled before walking out the door and back to her own class.

Now trying to get her out of my head will be even harder. I sighed and put my head in my hands for about the hundredth time today. The silence in the class was replaced with light chatter and laughter. A piece of paper hit the side of my head and then fell to my desk. I picked it up and looked around, but didn't have to crane my head too far because the boys sitting in the row next to mine were laughing to themselves and looking my way. I opened the crumpled note. How childish, I thought. Passing notes during class. But inside was anything but pleasant. 

Staring at your girlfriend uh faceache? Well it's a shame girls don't like ugly freaks.

My eyes lingered on the note a little longer before crumpling it back up and standing to throw it away, while grabbing my blue hair, Noodle said she like the contrast of the azure color against my pale skin but that was probably just a way to make me feel better. It wasn’t true. 

"Aww did we hurt the khobhead’s feelings?" The boys cooed mockingly. 

I just looked at them void of emotion before sitting back down.

"Hey, be nice you two or I'll have to send you outside for being disruptive," The teacher flicked her eyes between myself and the boys who said that. I just lowered my head trying to make myself disappear whilst the boys just laughed even more.

"Don't worry, we're just being friendly," One of them put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him in a "friendly" manner. "Right, Tusspot?" He stared daggers at me waiting for my response.

"Uh," His hand gripped my shoulder even more getting me to say something. "Yea. . .of course," I put on my best fake smile. She smiled.

"Alright," She waved us off and went back to organizing the books that Noodle had brought in a few minutes ago.

The boy, Murdoc, let go of me and scooted back into his seat. His uncomfortable warmth left and for once, I was happy to be cold again.

As days passed, the end of the school year came closer too, 8 days turned into 5 and then 3. Noodle was a nice distraction, but her efforts weren't enough. She’s been extra observant of me now, which is different. Usually, it's the other way around. Noodle’s also had me spend the majority of my time at her house after she found out what my father's been doing to me. I wasn't the only one who's the victim of my father's abuse. My mother was, but she left us - left me alone with him. Eventually, she came back to him, though. She was crying - begging him to take her back. . . and he did. At least she came back because then, I wouldn't have to be alone anymore. I wouldn’t have to  _ suffer  _ alone at least. Although, I couldn't understand why she'd want to come back to almost daily beatings from my father. She was so blinded by love, that she couldn't see that what he was doing to her was very, very wrong and nothing near "love".

There was no reason to believe that things were going to magically get better for me. Yesterday, Noodle’s boyfriend, Jacob, made a big scene the morning we were hanging out before school. Flowers and everything but I couldn’t help but get jealous. What a nice way to end the school year. A big grand gesture just before graduation, nice for Noodle, but not for me. Noodle is now just another thing for me to be sad about, even with her helpful distractions. I can't take it that I'm not the one that can make her look that happy when I'm near her. I couldn’t touch her...That's his job now. For me, this year would go out with a bang. Literally or not, it didn't matter. I didn't want to make a mess when I took my life. That would just give everyone another reason to hate me even after I’m dead. It had to be clean and easy to clean up so that I wouldn't be a burden even after I had died. I’d lay awake at night counting down the hours until graduation, not because I actually cared about leaving high school, as I never actually would, but because I craved my end of days. 

Noodle would be better off without me. I mean. . . everyone else would, too. My father wouldn't have to be ashamed of having a failure son, my mother wouldn't have to worry is her son was okay or safe from the hands of the man she "loved", Noodle wouldn't have to be friends with a loser like me, she could go on with her life and her other actual friends. Hell, even marry Jacob and not worry about me mucking up the wedding. She’d no longer have to be stuck worrying about me. . . it'd just be better for everyone in the end. 

  
  


_ we've walked this path for far too long,  _

_ Taste my disaster  _

_ It’s heavy on my tongue  _

On the day of graduation, I stood waiting for the principle to call my name up to the stage to receive my diploma. Noodle was sitting a few rows ahead of me next to her boyfriend who was next in line on the attendance sheet, plus he had tons of chords slung over his shoulders to show he was actually capable of doing something in school. 

  
  


She was lucky that their last names were right next to each other’s. Envy consumed me as I watched them hold hands and laugh together. They were happy and I wasn't because I was cursed with liking my best friend. I clenched my teeth and tried to blink back tears that threatened to spill from their sockets. Noodle then looked back at me and I had to pretend that I wasn't glaring at her boyfriend, he didn't deserve her burning hate red I had for him, he was a nice kid who made her happy. Why can’t I just be happy for them instead of painfully jealous? 

My face softened immediately and in turn for the glare, I put on a fake smile. Noodle smiled and waved a little. Her boyfriend ,Jacob , looked to where Noodle was looking and gave me a half smile. Jacob then placed his hand on Noodles thigh and turned his face to hers planting a soft kiss on her lips. 

You could almost here my heart shatter, well, what's left of it. They turned back to the front and continued their conversation.

Up until it was my turn to be called, I bore holes into the back of their skulls. No matter how much I tried to hate Jacob, I couldn't. He was everything you'd like in a person. I can see why Noodle fell in love with him. I would too if I were gay, but boys just don't do it for me. Jacob was kind, not clingy, beautiful, he could be a model if he wanted! and "a smile that could light up a room" Noodle would say when she gushed to me about how much she liked him.

After grabbing my diploma, I turned off the stage and headed straight for the exit. I couldn't, nor did I have to stay any longer. So, I walked straight past Noodle and Jacob noticing the look of confusion as to why I was leaving so early. I walked past the student parking lot and down the road. I put my headphones in and blasted whatever came on when I pressed play. I walked past the little park that children would play at whilst their mothers sat on the benches watching to make sure they're okay and when their kid fell, the mom would rush to make sure everything was okay. She'd put a band-aid on a scraped knee or elbow and her child would go back to playing with as much energy as they did five minutes prior to falling.

I wish someone cared about me like that still, I thought.

I walked onto Noodle’s street. I needed to give her one last thing before I left. After passing one last house, I arrived at Noodle’s where there were no cars in the driveway, because his parents actually cared enough to show up to her graduation, wonder what’s that like.. After walking up to the door, I pulled a letter out from my back pocket and placed it into the door hinge making sure that you could see it once you got close enough. I left Noodle’s house with a sad smile on my lips, knowing this would be the last time I’d be over. 

I turned up the volume on my phone not caring if my hearing would be damaged. After all, it wouldn't matter in a few minutes. I walked up the familiar road that held my home, passing an old married couple who waved at me and smiled. I returned one of my own.

How did they do it? Live on I mean, find meaning. 

How did they do it? How did they manage to make a life for themselves? To get a stable job, find love, travel, do what they wanted to do. . . how?

I shook my head and walked up to my driveway where no cars were parked. Good. It would be problematic if someone were to see what I'm about to do. I took my keys out of my pocket and stuck the house key into the door twisting it to the left. The familiar smell of home became apparent inside.  _ Cigarettes and whiskey.  _

I couldn't remember if I had locked the door after me, but I didn't really care either. After plopping my bag onto the kitchen counter, I went straight to my room where I kept my box of miscellaneous things. Little rocks I had found when I was a child were in a see-through bag off to the side of the box. Polaroids of Noodle and I were in a small stack. I picked one up and smiled remembering the day I took it.

"Stu! Come here and take a picture with me~" Noodle shouted from his living room. I was having a sleepover at her house one weekend last year and for her birthday, he got a Polaroid camera. Her parents didn’t really care about her having me over even I was a boy, we’d known each other so long they considered me part of their family which was nice. 

"I'm right next to you, there's no need to shout," I laughed and sat down on the couch next to her. She extended her arm and turned the camera around to take the photo.

"Smile~" Noodle sang and I smiled and did peace signs. The flash went off and Noodle retracted his arm to pull the film out. After a while the picture came out and Noodle showed it to me.

"Look! That's a keeper," Noodle handed it to me. "You can have it," 

He was right about it being a 'keeper'. I'd never get rid of it. I grabbed the other bag in my box and opened it. Inside rested three very sharp blades. I grabbed one and held it in between my fingers, occasionally running my thumb over the thin, sharp metal. The pain it brought was bittersweet as small droplets of blood appeared on the pad of my pale thumb. After a few more seconds, I put the blade back in the bag and set it to the side of the box. I closed my box and put it back in it's respectful place.

Now, to change into something more comfortable. I stripped myself of my gown and instead replaced it with a loose fitting white tank top and some comfy black shorts. After looking in the mirror to assess how I'd look one last time, I grabbed the small bag left on my bed and walked to the bathroom. I closed the door and filled the bathtub three fourths of the way full with hot water. I got into the bathtub, clothes still on, and sunk into the water. It burned at my skin, and the wet fabric clung to it,but it was bearable at least this way when someone found me ( god only knows how omg. White someone realizes I’m missing, I’m betting on a week or two personally) all they’d have to do is drain the water and the mess would be gone  _ and so would the problem _ . I took the bag and opened it up grabbing the same blade as before and held it against my wrists vertically.

I wasn't afraid. Not after everything I've been through. I dug the blade into my skin and pulled down slowly letting the blood gush from the open wound. I twitched my eye slightly from the pain that was evident. I repeated on my other forearm and watched as the clear bath water turned red. I winced burning sensation because I knew it would all be over soon. 

Soon, I could feel my eyelids tug close and let them.

My fight was over. I was free now. I could die with a smile on my face. 

*****

After watching Stu walk away from graduation, I got worried. He said he'd stay behind and come to an after party Jacob was throwing in a few hours.

"I'll be right back," I patted Jacob’s hands and got up to follow after my best friend, who clearly looked upset. I mean graduation was pretty emotional, but he seemed off. 

"Okay, but don't be too long," He said and I hurried past people apologizing as I stepped on another student's foot. Oops? 

I watched as Stuart walked past the school parking lot and towards where he lived. He's going home? I thought. After sticking a good thirty feet behind him, I followed to where Stuart was going. He walked onto my street and I furrowed my brows, almost calling out to him, but I chose otherwise.  _ Surely he knows I’m behind him right? _ I watched as he took a letter from his pocket and placed it into the space between the door and the frame, and I started to have a weird sickness creep up on me. I ducked behind a bush when he walked back down and back onto the sidewalk.

It felt weird to be following after Stu, but I had a feeling something was going to happen. After the coast was clear, I picked myself back up and continued. Stu walked onto his street. So he is going home, I thought once more, but my mind kept trailing back to the letter, I was always a bit nosey; I internally cursed myself wishing I would have grabbed it before continuing down his path. Stu pulled his keys from his pocket and opened the door letting the door close, but not fully behind him. I walked up to the window that was next to the door and peeked inside. Maybe I should just let it go. 

Stu put his bag down and walked into his room. A few minutes later he walked back out in different clothes, messier clothes and into the bathroom across the hall with a bag in his hand. A bag that I've seen before while snooping through his room, I knew it wasn't a good sign.  _ Fuck _ , 

I leaped into action and opened the door firmly, but not letting it slam against the wall. I stalked down the hall and I could hear the water running behind the door. It soon stopped and then there was a sloshing sound as he appeared to get in the water. Then the noises stopped. I could feel my heartbeat accelerate in my chest as it went completely silent. So, I knocked.

"Toochi?" I called out softly. Silence.

I opened the door slowly and what was before me was something no one should ever have to see in their lives. It felt like my heart had stopped and the sickness in my stomach only rose. The red water was filled to the brim as I fell to my knees to try and get him out. 

"Stu! Oh my god!" I cradled the top half of his body in my arms. How could he have done this, and not even think about me or anyone else? I know I should be mad but I can’t help it. 

"Noods??" He whispered. Stu was so pale as more blood continued to poor from his veins and into the water.

"What have you done?" Hot, thick tears streamed down my face as I turned his almost lifeless head to face me. I brushed back the wet strands of his hair out of his face.

"I'm sorry," Stu whispered. He was losing too much blood. He was slipping away from me as the seconds ticked by.

"Why are you sorry? I should be the one who's sorry,Toochi," I sobbed. How did I not know? Why did I stop him when he left the school? 

". . .I couldn't. . .be the one to love you," Tears of his own started to slowly fall down his cheeks.

"I do love you, though! You're my best friend,Stu ," I choked over my sobs.

"That’s not the way I want to be loved," Stu rasped. His breathing started to slow down even more and I knew that he was slipping away. "Good bye, Noodle," He said for the last time, his soft finger tips came to try and brush my bangs out of my face before going completely slack.

"Stuart?!" I shouted. "Stuart! No. . ." I clutched onto his lifeless body as I shook with loud sobs. They filled the empty house.

I cried until I had nothing left in me. The water was cold now.

I stood and pulled my phone from my pocket and called for an ambulance. I should have called right as I knew something was up. He could have been saved. This was my fault. 

Minutes later both ambulance and police sirens could be heard. They came inside and pulled me from my spot on the bathroom tiles so that they could take care of Stu . I walked into his room and grabbed the box of memories that Stu kept in his closet. I held onto it as police men talked to me about what happened. So, I told them with tears dripping down my face. 

They took Stu away in a body bag on top of a stretcher. The police men drove me home where I'd spend the next few hours crying and going through the things that Jimin kept in the box and I'd remember each and every one of the memories Stu had told me that belonged to the respected item. I didn't go to Jacob’s graduation party that night. I didn't tell him why, but I would have to later. He believed me when I said that my parents wanted to spend that night with me. Not knowing the real reason why just assuming it was because of graduation. 

I read the note that Stuhad left for me. I'd read it over and over again, every word that filled the three pages that he wrote for me.

I'd continue to read that note for the next few years when I finally moved away from that town, but I'd bring it with me. The note lay on top of everything in that box, the picture that I took of us with my Polaroid is kept in my wallet, the blades he held in that little bag were flushed long ago. Something I should have done years ago when I first found them in his room, and maybe then I could have seen him grow up, past high school age. He was so close. 

I never did marry Jacob as I knew that me dating her destroyed Stu . A few days after he died, I broke it off with him and even though Jacob was sad,he understood.

I eventually got over Stu’s suicide, but not completely. I stopped crying over him and instead would visit his grave every year on his birthday, I was probably the only one whoever visited too. I would just talk to myself about what's happened in my life and it hurt. As stupid as it is sometimes I would sit there and imagine what he would have done with his life, I always knew he had a future in music with the way he played piano, I just wish he could have made it. 

The pain of losing someone special like Stu would never be healed. My best friend,  _ I wish I could have been more for him.  _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos, have a lovely day or night.

**Author's Note:**

> Part two will be posted tomorrow, also please don’t comment saying this is out of character, it’s an AU it just late and I feel melancholy and lonely and this is my fandom of choice atm. 
> 
> Nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed. Leave kudos if you enjoyed! Have a lovely day/night and check out my other gorillaz story Enable Me!


End file.
